The Birth. :-)

Jimmy's induction was booked for a Thursday morning. I was advised to get a good sleep the night before (did my midwife know something that I didn't!? hmm), which was virtually impossible. I wasn't nervous, afterall...what could go wrong? I'm in a hospital, the midwives will look after me!! But I was excited.  :-) Very excited!

So I packed my bags, and we were at the hospital around 8am, at which time we were shown to one of the rooms in L&D. I remember thinking how horrible the maternity area looked. Seriously, that place needed a face-life!
My midwife arrived, and the first lot of gel was placed into my cervix. I was told to lay on the bed for an hour, and then go for a walk. Not long after I got up from the bed, I looked out the window and there was my Mum, little Sis, and big Sis arriving for the big day. I didn't expect them to be there, but it was a great distraction for me! I was so glad to have their support too.
So, not surprisingly, the first lot of gel didn't work (Hellloooo, baby wasn't ready!!), so the next lot was inserted by 3:30pm. And after this lot, my mum made me walk up and down the hallways, pretty much constantly. Apparently this is how she went into labour. :-) Sigh. Anyway, we were having some great bonding times with each other, and pretty much disturbing the whole ward with our laughter.

Reality soon sunk in though, when Nurse Gertrude (seriously. That was her name. She suited it too!!) came in at 6pm and said that everyone had to go home, including my husband. This terrified me! Contractions still hadn't started, although I was beginning to feel a tad uncomfortable, and I really really didn't want to spend the night there on my own. However, I had foolishly placed myself in the nurses hands, and from now on, they were ruling the roost. So, off my family went. Later I learned that James (my husband) went and sat in his car in the carpark. Such a sweet guy! His wife was inside, in tears, and in the early stages of labour, and he was forced to leave her side. Around 8pm I started to feel mild contractions, and went to tell Nurse Gertrude. She, very rudely, told me that it was just an irritable uterus (Hah! I agree! I'd be irritable too if I had that gel stuffed into me to make me "ripen" when I wasn't ready to be ripe!!), gave me some sleeping tablets, and sent me to bed. Literally. I was sobbing, as I tried to go to sleep with these pains, and the dread of what was to come. The pains started to get stronger, and harder to ignore, but I was so frightened of Gertrude, that nothing in the world would convince me to let her know. So I lay there writhing in pain in my bed. Around 10:30, I figured that the change of nurses had happened, so I timidly stepped into the hallway to see who was at the desk. A lovely nurse spied me and asked how I was doing. When I mentioned the contractions, she offered to run me a warm bath, which was so gratefully accepted. The bath didn't help much with the pains though (my body was so tense with fear!!) and once I told her that I'd also had a bloody show, she rang my midwife and I got to text my husband to commme baacckkk. I was so pleased to see him walk through those doors! But how terrible that I had to "perform" in order to have him by my side!

We were quickly ushered into the L&D rooms again (it was a quiet night on the ward, my one blessing!!) and I was given the "gas" to try and work out on my own. The pains really weren't too bad at that point, so we had a bit of fun playing with the gas...even my family had a go on it! Ahh... we managed to make our own fun, amidst the hospital regulations!

So the hours ticked by...

At some point in the early hours of the morning, I hopped into a birthing pool, and pretty much went to sleep, waking up for the contractions that were coming about 6 minutes apart.

They were long hours. By about 4 in the morning, nothing was happening (I wasn't "progressing" enough), so my midwife asked me to get out of the pool. I went into the bathrooms (not too sure why I ended up in there, but I did...) and after throwing up many many times, the midwife asked me if I'd like her to break my waters. I was so exhausted by now, that I thought for sure this was a good option. I was in such agony from the contractions, that they got some mats, and laid them down right there on the bathroom floor. Of course, laying down just heightened my pain, and by this time I was almost hitting the ceiling with each contraction. She got out her long loooong crochet hook, and pop went my waters. And Bam Wham went my contractions. It was about this time I was begging for an epidural. I just could not cope with the pain anymore, and I had no one telling me that everything would be ok. I think they were all quite distressed seeing me like that, actually!! So the epidural-fella was called, and he got there about 7:30am. I was told to sit as still as possible on the side of the bed. And interestingly enough, this was the only part of labor where I actually felt in control. I had to reach down inside of myself, and summon up the strength to cope. And I did! First try for the epidural was apparently a success. And off I went to sleep. Along with the rest of my family, haha. However, I was soon woken with terrible contraction pain on just one side of my body. Wonderful. I was stuck in bed, unable to move, hooked up to every medication possible, and told to lie on the side where the pain was. They were hoping the epidural would "float" over to the other side. Didn't work. I could have told them that!! So in came the epidural guy again. Try Two hit a blood vessel. This is where my dear husband started feeling faint. Poor guy. Try Three (and apparently their last chance on me) worked, and I drifted off to sleep again. This was about 10:30 in the morning, and I do believe I was still only 4 centimeters dilated. I don't blame my body in the slightest... I wouldn't dilate under those stressful circumstances either!

So, off went my sisters into town for a coffee, and I even received some visitors! 

Insane. Anyway. At around 2:30 I was given the c-section talk. And yes, I was willing for it. I had been feeling some pushing urges (without the pain, just the pressure) but had been literally trying to hold them back, as I was terrified at having to go through anything else!! My midwife did one more check on me, and lo and behold, there was a head. :-) I hadn't managed to hold him back after all! My sisters were summoned from their coffeeying in town, and I was told to push. And so I did. I was so scared feeling any more pain, but the epidural was still up super strong, so I didn't feel a thing, except the pressure. I thought it was wonderful! (such a strange birth...). Anyway. 30 minutes later, our red-headed Jimmy entered the world. :-) And I didn't care. I felt numb, and didn't even noticed that he was a deathly shade of grey, and that my midwife had pressed the emergency button. This part makes me want to cry so much, because of how unaware I was of my son's peril! I got a quick look at him, and then they whisked him away to do CPR. I just lay there and bleed. I thought it was all normal, and this was how births are. *cry*. A few minutes later I heard him cry, and someone laid him in my arms. I smiled, but inwardly I was thinking "what's the fuss?! I want to sleep and now I have to stay awake for this baby". Bonding did not happen. My poor Jimmy. I love him fiercely now, and cannot believe how much the drugs interferred with our bonding at his birth!

I was not the first to dress him. I was not the first to bathe him. I was not the first to give him his first real cuddle and kiss. I lay there like a zombie and cared only for his immediate needs. Feeding and changing. Oh how I regret the way it happened!!

But I did what I could, and slowly (as the drugs and their effects wore off...) I was able to welcome this little boy into our family.

I am in tears as I write this. It's been so confronting to me to write down what happened and the way I felt about it. To acknowledge that his birth and my reaction to it was far from ideal... that's hard! I wish I could have given him the beginnings that both Rachel and Christian had, but you can't change the past. And as much as it pains me to remember it, it IS a part of the past, and it helped shape and mold me into the woman that I am today. A woman who is confident in birth, and freely able (by God's grace) to birth my babies into a peaceful environment at home. A place where they are loved, protected, and cherished. Where Mummy gets all of her afterbirth hormones, and can't put the baby down for weeks, because of the sheer preciousness of them in our family.
Jimmy and I recovered. I have a strong body that was soon able to shake off the hospital ickiness, and was able to whole-heartedly mother my son in the way I was meant to. The way God created me. Have I mentioned what a darling boy he is? He is SO tender-hearted, it's incredible. He loves his family so much, is such an obedient little fella, and has this thirst for companionship and love that outweighs anything else. He started school this year, and is completely thriving in his classroom. I'm so thankful for him in our lives, and love him to pieces!