Sometimes things just don't go according to plan.

Why? I'm really not too sure. I thought I had it all planned out. It was the perfect plan. The plan of all plans! And yet...sometimes things just really ARE too good to be true.

I got a call from my friend on Sunday. She had been planning to come over for this birth, and help me through it. Unfortunately, unforeseen circumstances have happened and she can no longer come. (those who need to know, know what I'm talking about...)

I cried my way through Sunday.

I doubted myself, and my birthing abilities. I doubted myself as a person. I doubted myself as a mother. I went up and down and up and down, wondering what in the world I was going to do.

My heart is set on a homebirth. I firmly believe it to be the safest place for both baby and me, barring any true medical emergency. The thought have having to go to hospital, in labour, and subjecting myself to their constant interventions sent cold chills up and down my spine. The thought of having to actively protect the baby from their "protocols" made me feel sick to my stomach.

So I cried. And I cried. And I'm still crying.

The fear inside of me as made my body feel so nauseous. Baby has been jumping around, and literally spinning like a clock inside of me. I feel bruised, and scared.

What am I going to do? I don't know. But the Lord has been comforting my heart today, and bringing positive and empowering verses to mind:

"Perfect love casts out all fear"

"For with God nothing shall be impossible"

"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ"

"When thou liest down , thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet."

"I sought the Lord and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

and my favourite:

"Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

I don't know about tomorrow. God does, and He's holding my future in His hands. But I do know about today, and at the moment I'm focusing on spending lots of time on my hands and knees (the floor needed a good clean anyway!) and getting baby back into optimal positioning for birth. Wherever that may be.

Appreciate any prayers you wanna lift up for me at the moment. Especially for wisdom. :-)